Oh! Hey There Life... You Scared Me!

It has been almost 6 months since I graduated college... Whew. Let me tell you a lot of life has happened since then. I am not one to go around doing life updates all of the time, people in life don't need to know every little detail of my drama... but I thought it was time to come clean, on just how hard life has hit me recently.

Upon graduation I started a job at a small company in Fort Wayne, I was an employed college graduate! To the outside world, I was living the dream... I had a salaried position that paid pretty well, I got to travel all the time for free, I had my own apartment, a boyfriend who loves me and is planning on marrying me. Yea... to the outside world I had it pretty good. Note I said HAD. In reality I quickly realized my newly employed living the college graduates dream was an illusion... my bubble burst very quickly.

Reality Check #1: I was working in a non-christian environment, not saying that is entirely bad, but when you go from tiny Christian Grace College to the environment I entered its quite a shock, also, when you spend most of your time with people who act a certain way... whether you want it to or not, it does influence you; and even though I hate to admit it... I did allow it to influence me. That is something I regret immensely.

Reality Check #2: When they say salaried position... what they really mean is work you to the bone and any hope you had of a life outside of your job is nonexistent. Like for real, its awesome I got to travel for free. But in the end... I was sacrificing time with the people that mattered and my job was becoming the king of my life. Whether I wanted it to or not.

Major Life Event #1: My boyfriend, arguably the pain in the butt love of my life, decided to join the National Guard and come January 9th, 2018 he will be leaving me with little to sometimes no contact for 35 weeks. If you're sitting there thinking to yourself: 'I bet Josie threw a major fit about that...' well then, you would be correct! Did I eventually come to my senses and realize he is doing this for us and he only has positive intentions? Yes I did. Do I know support him and his endeavors till my dying breath? Yes I do. Am I still unhappy about him leaving? Yes. Yes I am. And that's ok.

Major Life Event #2: My Grandfather passed away. I knew going home the weekend of his death was hardly a coincidence. Did God know that I couldn't put off seeing him any longer? Yes He did. Does He still know better than me even though I do the worst job of listening? Of course He does. It wasn't that I was trying to avoid seeing my Grandfather.... it's just it all comes back to this darn job and how I can never get away. But when I walked into church on the random weekend me and Jonathan decided to make a trip home, and I see my mom in tears because she just got a call that it would be soon, I knew that God sent us home, per the suggestion of my boyfriend, so I could see him and say goodbye. When I walked into that room though, nothing prepared me for the guilt that hit me upon realizing that I never would get to say goodbye to my grandfather, because even though my grandfather was lying there, he wasnt really there anymore. And that is the moment I really truly realized that I needed to get out of my job, before it took more things from me. However, I do hope I won't have to say anymore goodbye's like that for awhile.

Despite the fact that I knew I needed to get out of my job, knowing I was in a place that wasn't encouraging for my faith, treated me horribly a lot of the time, and couldn't care any less about me than another Joe on the street. I was still faced with this feeling of failure that I could not shake. That leaving this job, even though I knew it was for the right reasons.... made me a failure. Then, just last week I saw a video featuring Pakistan's "Iron Lady" Muniba Mazari. I won't go into the details of her incredible life, you should just look her up and feel inspired. But it was something she said in her video that was exactly what I needed to hear. It goes like this:

"We have this amazing fantasy about life, this is how things should work. This is my plan, it should go as per my plan. If that doesn't happen, we give up. I never wanted to be on the wheelchair, never thought of being on the wheelchair. This life is a test, and a trial, and tests are never supposed to be easy. So when you're expecting ease from life, and life gives you lemons... then you make the lemonade, and then do not blame life for that! It is ok to be scared, it is ok to cry. Everything is ok, but giving up should not be an option. They always say that failure is not an option. Failure should be an option, because when you fail you get up, and then you fail, and then you get up; and that keeps you going."

In that watching that video it all hit me. God let it finally sink in. Life is not going as per my plan, as hard as I tried it never was. I thought I was living the dream in taking this job and starting this life, but God knew better. He let is go as per my plan for awhile, and then when I started to falter, when He saw me drifting He brought it all back down. Is life going as per my plan right now? No. Am I a failure? Yes. But I have not given up. Winston Churchill said: "Success is never final. Failure is never fatal." My failure in this is not going to kill me. I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep trudging forward... forward till the end.

So in summation to my long update about life. Come this Friday I will no longer have a job. I will be an unemployed graduate... and that's ok. I will soon move back in with my parents, hopefully it is only temporary, but I guess I can't be sure. And I am ok with that. Come January 9th, 2018 I will drop my love off at a military base in Fort Wayne and kiss him for the last time in a long time. On that day I know my heart will break a little bit more. But I will still go on, and this goodbye is not forever. Yes, life has hit me hard these last few months. I severely underestimated its uppercut to the jaw. But it hasn't knocked me out yet. I may be down, but I am pulling myself back up. I am still in this fight and while the next few days, weeks and months will not be easy... I will keep on standing. I may now be ok with failing... but I'm still not ok with giving up.