To The One Who Broke My Heart.

You know who you are, I am sure other people do as well... but name dropping is not the point of this. I don't know if you read my blog, or if you will ever specifically read this, but people keep telling me writing a letter of this nature might help.

There are a million things I want to say to you, and I am not sure how or in what order they are going to come out in this letter. But I am going to start off by saying that none of what has happened between us has been in any way fair to me. You told me you wanted to earn my heart, you told me you were where it belonged... and so I trusted you with the one thing I had never given to anyone, my already fractured heart.

I gave it to you, trusting and believing what you said to me... for the first time in a long time I was willing to believe in words. I was willing to give you everything. But in the end you played me worse than I ever could have played you... and you left me with a pain in my chest that rarely goes away.

In fact, the only way I get a reprieve from the dull ache in my chest is to beg God to give me His peace, to place the you, the situation, and how I am feeling in His hands daily. It helps for awhile... but then the memories come flooding back....

I want to believe you meant everything you said.... but based on your behavior in the aftermath of all of this leads me to believe that you did not, mean it that is. And I wish that I could look back on the memories with fondness; of that one time we talked for three hours because we missed each other, how you came to my house, you were the first person to bring me flowers... and mainly how you kissed me, and held me like you thought I was a dream.

Well I wasn't a dream.... but like all dreams it did end. And because my heart hurts so much I can't even think about those memories without tears coming to my eyes. I was even willing to sacrifice my feelings just to be able to be some level of friends again... but you couldn't even see that most of my anger came because you refused to acknowledge me.

I don't even think you ever realized everything I did and was willing to do for you. I don't know if you even care enough to try.

I am trying desperately to get you out of my head... if I can't be with you then I wish I could erase you, because I miss you so terribly it hurts. I loved having you as a boyfriend, but I was crushed to lose you as a friend, and in the aftermath sometimes none of it seems worth it.

Because I can't even move on, I can't trust, and I can't even like someone else.... I have even been given the opportunity and just the thought of it terrifies me and makes me feel guilty. And all I find myself still continuously hoping for is that you will miss me and want to talk to me again.

But I am left with the continuous feeling that even though I would move mountains for you... I don't think you would cross a puddle for me. And if that is true then it hurts me even more.

I have given up on people who have hurt me alot less than you have... and yet despite everything and everyone, I am still sitting her wishing none of this had happened. And I don't know how to stop.

If anything I wish we could erase it all and go back to the beginning. Back to being friends. I wish that somehow we could forget the pain and history between us and go back to that time where neither one of us knew what we were skirting around with our harmless flirting. Back before I knew what it felt like to be kissed in the dark, before I knew what it was like to look into someone's eyes and have them see only me. Back before I knew what pain I would feel when I gave my heart to a thief who would run away without giving it back.... but I can't go back. I don't even think you want to try to start over.

Maybe in any universe, this was always our fate... I don't know. I like to believe maybe that isn't true, that maybe somewhere else things are different. But it's just a fantasy, and when the fantasy ends all I am left with is the pain of the memories and the longing for what never was but could have been.

So, if you are reading this... know that I still miss you and want you in my life. Or maybe, if you don't want to be there it would be easier to let go if I could just have some answers... but you couldn't even give me those, you refused to. And if I can't have you back in any capacity, friendship or otherwise... I just want my heart back. Because you said you wanted to earn it... but you never did, I gave it willingly and didn't realize I had lost it until it was too late.

p.s. I am sure I could say more... but I'll wait and maybe one day I will get to do it in person....